I'll be 18 in August. I can't believe it myself. Almost 4 years ago I posted a drawing where I said I was in the middle of a "Peter Pan Complex", I said I didn't want to grow up. And I still being like that. When I was around 9 years old I realized how much I hated adults. It was a really hard age for me, the worst time of my life. I still have scars from that time and I'm sure that some things will haunt me for the rest of my life. Can't say if the Peter Pan Complex is one of them, but is certain that I still like that. It bothers me to think I'll soon pass to the side I hate. That side where if you need help they will turn their backs to you and say you already can take care of all your shit. All the bullshit they say to us when we're younger about "you don't have to do this alone, I'm sure you have friends" turns to be a lie.
You may be thinking I'm just a boring teenager. Maybe I am.
But I'm so scared. Scared for being part of the LGBT community in the country that most kill transgenders in the whole world. Scared for being extremely shy in a place where most of people are so talktative. For being in crowds alone. For being not able to order food on a balcony or speak on the phone. Scared to mess up on a job, get fired, humiliated, and I'M SO FREAKING SCARED that I may now be rotten.
I used to draw ALL THE TIME. Since I was 5, I was always with paper and pencil/pens with me. I always would have ideas and get HAPPY drawing.
I'm not like that anymore. And it has been years since I'm not, and it got worst since my best friend is gone. I thought it was just a bad time, that I would draw again like I used to. But I'm having a really hard time now, having to study almost everything again and being so bored doing this... I'm almost not being able to like what I do anymore, or have ideas, nothing. I grew up grabbing on my drawings, believing that they would save me in the future, that I would be able to work with something I loved. It was all that I had. And now I feel I have nothing more left. I'm trying so hard to get on the lines again, but I fear I won't get there. I miss being able to hide from the big bad eyes and I specially miss the courage I used to have when I was a kid. And I regret so bad the times when I thought I'd be okay, that it wouldn't work if I was out of ideas. I really should have pushed me more, but I ended up passing days and days without drawing a single line. And now I can't help but comparing me to other artists of the same age, and thinking that if I hadn't stop maybe I was there too.
I feel that I lost a precious amount of time, even if they say I'm just starting.
I don't want to feel like this forever, I want it to stop, but I don't know how. 24 hour per day isn't supplying all I wanted to.
I feel I lost the course and I can't find the way again, no matter how hard I try. And now I'll once more be pushed into a sea of responsability and bullshit I'm not ready, and fearing even more to end up empty like the crowd of adults I see everyday. And having the feeling that it will just get worse along the years.